And to everyone I was not there for, I am really truly deeply sorry. I love you with all my heart, and I will become a better friend; a better person.
I also need to start posting here again.
Monday, February 28, 2011
I'm learning to stand on my own again
Without any help. No crutches, walker, or cane. Just these two scarred feet and the legs they're attached to. Because I need this now more than ever; Now when I feel so alone.
I know that those who will read this who know me will assure me that they are and will always be there for me. But you're not. Where were you last night? And the night before? And the last weekend? Where were you all those night when I broke down? The nights where I just sat there, shaking as tears rolled down my face and it felt as though I was melting. Where were you when I clutched the scissors so tightly in my hand and used every last drop of willpower just to put them down?
I will not openly confess these things to you. I am much too proud for that. But those who know me should know better. I always lie when I say "I'm fine," or "I'm just tired." It's painted plainly on my face, written in my my eyes. How can you not tell?
But even if you could, I probably would not confess. Because I fear that you don't care as much as you say you do. I fear that I complain too much, and I'm so afraid that you will leave me because of that. I don't want to complain to you that I have no friends - no one to hang out with, no one to talk to - when I am sitting there talking to you.
It would be nice to hold on to a friend for once though. Somebody who really really gets to know me, and still wants to stick around. I thought I was finally getting that, but it does seem as though you care less and less.
But this is me saying that it's ok. That I don't blame you, and I don't want you to feel guilty. You shouldn't. Because even though I need you, in a way, I don't anymore. I can do this by myself. With God's help. This is His gift to me, this ability to be independent. This is His strength coursing through my veins.
I'll be alright. I can stand on my own once more, and I don't need you to support my weight. But I'd like to thank you for all the times that you did.
I know that those who will read this who know me will assure me that they are and will always be there for me. But you're not. Where were you last night? And the night before? And the last weekend? Where were you all those night when I broke down? The nights where I just sat there, shaking as tears rolled down my face and it felt as though I was melting. Where were you when I clutched the scissors so tightly in my hand and used every last drop of willpower just to put them down?
I will not openly confess these things to you. I am much too proud for that. But those who know me should know better. I always lie when I say "I'm fine," or "I'm just tired." It's painted plainly on my face, written in my my eyes. How can you not tell?
But even if you could, I probably would not confess. Because I fear that you don't care as much as you say you do. I fear that I complain too much, and I'm so afraid that you will leave me because of that. I don't want to complain to you that I have no friends - no one to hang out with, no one to talk to - when I am sitting there talking to you.
It would be nice to hold on to a friend for once though. Somebody who really really gets to know me, and still wants to stick around. I thought I was finally getting that, but it does seem as though you care less and less.
But this is me saying that it's ok. That I don't blame you, and I don't want you to feel guilty. You shouldn't. Because even though I need you, in a way, I don't anymore. I can do this by myself. With God's help. This is His gift to me, this ability to be independent. This is His strength coursing through my veins.
I'll be alright. I can stand on my own once more, and I don't need you to support my weight. But I'd like to thank you for all the times that you did.
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