venting

I'm so pissed off right now. And I don't know why. That's a lie, but oh well. It's like being pissed off but somehow in a good way.

I feel so restricted right now. Chained up to a wall; a prisoner of my thoughts. Something broke loose inside of me today. I don't know what or why, but everything is different now. I don't feel the same. I crave freedom. I need it. If I don't get it, I'll go insane. I'm shaking right now. I need to break free. I'm going to break free, somehow. Chop my hair off. Dye it purple. Jump off a bridge even though my mother told me I'm not allowed to. Run away for a day and drive to the beach with friends. Sneak out. Rebel.

I'll make something out of myself. And I'll do something with my life. It all goes by so fast, in a blur, like a speeding train. And when I look back on it all, I don't want to regret a thing.

I know I sound like a stupid teenager who is simply rebelling against her parents, but I don't feel that way.

From the Sea of Chains and Rebellion,
Calli

what is your favorite color?

"Blue... No, yellow! AHHH!!" Ohh Monty Python. As you can tell, I like to quote and reference things.

Anyway... Could you tell me what your favorite color is? What about your favorite song? Favorite food? Favorite word? Favorite person? How about favorite person to talk to? To hang out with? To think about? Favorite memory? Favorite thought to think?

I know I couldn't answer all of those.

That may or may not have anything to do with knowing oneself. But it bothers me. I complain about that too much. But do we ever really know everything about ourselves? Of course not. There's too much to know. So many subconcious things. So many little things. So many big things. But you know, we can try. How? By not trying. By living. I've realized that if you get too hung up on trying to figure out things about yourself, you're going to miss out on a lot. The best thing to do is live life and along the way you will find yourself while having fun. That is my plan for this summer.

Anyway, on to a different subject (sort of) since I cannot remember what else I was going to write...

I went to church today for the first time in a few weeks and honestly, I almost cried. The readings and homily were really good. My religion class teacher, MaryBeth, read a reading and I find it very ironic because she read at least my first blog post and agreed with my gender being a disguise thing. This is ironic because the reading she read went a little like this: "There is neither slave, nor freeman, nor male, nor female: We are all the same for we are all Children of God." (That is not a direct quote, therefore, I cannot reference it.) I totally one hundred percent completely agree (that wasn't necessary but oh well). God help all those who are shunned and discriminated against. "God help the outcast." (that's Esmerelda, Hunch Back Of Notre Dame) Then Father Rush started talking about when humans were first created, and how God had three angels review his "designs," the Angel of Truth, the Angel of Peace, and the Angel of Love. The Angel of Truth begged God not to create humans because they would be capable of lying and deciet and trickery, and said that there was no need for these creatures. The Angel of Peace begged God not to create humans because they would disrupt the harmony of His universe with their devious, twisted, and hateful ways, and said that there was no need for these creatures. The Angel of Love begged God to create these humans because (while they would have their faults) they would be capable of love. And filled with His love, they would spread love throughout the universe. There was great need for these creatures. And so we were created. In His likeness. To love and be loved. So spread the love, please. There is no need fo hate and dishonesty and all the bad things about humans. Some may disagree but whatever. You are entitled to your own opinion. I waver back and forth on the subject of humanity. I never know what to think of it. Most of the time, I'm very disappointed in the human race, for too many reasons. But it's things like that that give me hope for humanity. Maybe there is hope for this world after all. We'll see. And maybe I am making a difference, even if it is a small one. Who knows. So on that note, I leave you for the night. (I promise to try to post more often. I know I need it more for my mental health.)

From the Sea of Hopelessness and Hopefulness,
Calli

aim high but shoot low

I'm not sure exactly what that's supposed to mean... Shh... Just roll with it.

So this is just a short little blurb about nothing just to waste time... Well my brother graduated from high school the other day. It's very depressing for many reasons, but I'll get into that later. He doesn't know it, but I love him very much, and I'm very proud of him (even though we don't speak...).

While my summer is still in question, I believe I am going to have an awesome year. With marching band anyway. So many of my friends are doing it, and I'm anticipating some great times (long bus rides [: )

In other news, I am lost. Yeah, I know. From happy to sad. I'm just being random... But I've spent way too much time trying to be like other people that I've lost myself along the way. This summer, I'm determined to find myself again (even if that means jumping off a few bridges) and stay with myself, no matter where myself goes. I'll probably start ranting about this more tomorrow, when I have the will and the energy and the time. But right now, I am tired from my swim meet and wish to rest and gather my thoughts.

From the Sea of the Unknown and Tired,
Calli

how long have I been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form... Water's getting harder to tread with these waves crashing over my head.

I love Lifehouse. That's their song Storm, by the way. I found it appropriate.

I'm out of thoughts to think. I'm sixteen, and I'm out of thoughts to think. Old ones keep replaying over and over in my head. Somebody please save me from this endless cycle.

I'm not sure what's wrong. I'm not sure if anything is wrong. But I'll talk about it anyway. Some of my friends have the life I've always wanted. One where you're surrounded by friends. And these friends aren't just people you hang out with; they're close. Really close. I watch them have fun, I hear the stories. Secretly, I want to be part of it. More than anything. Sometimes they include me, but never outside of school. I have to organize things outside of school. Maybe I'm working my way in. Maybe I'll be accepted into the group. Maybe I'll have an amazing summer. Maybe, just maybe... In a way though, it seems pathetic. I feel pathetic. Maybe they just feel sorry for me. I don't know. But I have to be optimistic. Someday, I'll have the life I've always wanted. Someday...

From the Sea of Monotony and Loneliness,
Calli

you know that feeling of emptiness you get when you're missing something?

Yeah, I've got one at the moment.

So let me introduce myself; I am Calli. I am not special. I am the all singing, all dancing crap of the world. Or is that just a quote from fight club? Oh well. Actually, I believe that we are all special because we are all different; unique in some small way (or big way). We are special because God made us that way. Obviously I am Christian. I'm actually Catholic (but I'm a hippie). I'm very engrossed in my faith, more inwardly than outwardly though. I am not, however, "one of those people" who think that gay people go to hell. You cannot convince me that my God would condemn somebody for loving a person. If you take out all the complications, all the ifs and buts, that's all it is. Somebody loving another person. Regardless of gender. Gender sometimes disguises us... Let's see if I can explain. Think about your best friend. If they were the opposite gender of you, would you like them? Would you go out with them? Possibly fall in love with them? I bet you would. But why don't you? Because it has been planted in your head that it is wrong. Me, I'm straight. But I think gays are very brave. And you cannot make me believe that my God would send them to hell just for falling in love. No matter what the Bible says (I know, blasphemy right? forgive me, please).
But I digress.
I live in a small town in the suburbs of a small city. I love people, yet I hate them at the same time. I listen to what I like to call alternative rock. What does that mean? I'm not sure. I like different things. I think you never really know a person until you look through their ipod, so here's just a sample of some of the artists I have: All Time Low, Anberlin, Hey Monday, We The Kings, Every Avenue, Michael Jackson, Bon Jovi, The Summer Set, Artist vs Poet, The Friday Night Boys, My Chemical Romance, The Bigger Lights. And that's just off the top of my head. I love music. Without it, I'm not sure where I would be. I like to write, but I write random things that aren't very good and don't always make sense. I also like to rant and listen to other people rant. Ranting sessions are good. I think I'm talking about myself a little too much.
But that empty feeling? It's coming from many things, many unknown sources. But the thing that sent it over the top was the loss of my swim team. I've been a member of this pool for as long as I can remember, and eight years ago I began swimming on its swim team. All those years were so amazing, packed with so many memories, some good, some bad. That place was like a second home to me. No matter how much I hated going to practice, I miss it now. Our pool closed. And now I'm swimming at a different pool, and it's just not the same. I know it's not that big of a deal, but it was more than just a swim team to me. I could actually cry about it.
Today was our last day of school, so summer has begun. And as summer begins, so does my blog. I did that on purpose. Hopefully I'll continue this into the year though. Everybody always says that their summer was the best summer ever, but if you look back, the summers all seem dull and boring. I know all of mine are painfully average. I hope that this one is different, but with my swim team gone, I fear it will be just as disappointing as all the rest. I want to have one of those summers that you hear about, where every day is amazing and the nights are filled with fun and laughter and friends. I want to spend a month or two at the beach. I want to meet a boy and go for long walks by the ocean with him and fall in love only for the summer. Oh and bonfires too. One of those summers.
I think I've written enough, although I feel as though I've barely written anything. I think I'm forgetting something... Something important. Oh well, I'll remember it later and hit myself in the head for it. One last thing I want to talk about a little is the title of my blog. I wasn't sure at first why I named it Musings From Under The Sea. But as soon as I typed it in, I knew it was the right name. It just felt right. So then I thought about why. Well I guess I am under a sea of some sort. What sort of sea? Well it could be a sea of anything and everything. Today I suppose its the Sea of Emptiness and Mystery. We're all at the bottom of our own seas. But we're not alone. We just need to look around and take comfort in each other. Just think about all I've said today.

From the Sea of Emptiness and Mystery,
Calli