new years resolution?

Be happy.

won't you please please help me?

I'm seriously bored out of my mind right now. I haven't hung out with anybody in a week. I haven't left the house to do anything besides go to swim practice in days. I waste my life away in front of this computer.

Now don't get me wrong, I love tumblr. But I want to go out and do something. Whenever I try to make plans, people are always doing something else. Nobody seems to want to hang out. People are always busy, and dates seem to get pushed back until they end up never happening.

I hate how whiney and complaining I sound right now.

Sometimes I dream big. I imagine myself getting out of this small town and making it in the world. Making a difference. But then sometimes I wonder, what's the use? What can I do?

And sometimes I really wish I had some honest-to-goodness talent. Something that I'm really good at. But half the time I'm too scared to even try.

But even then, I can't help but wanting more. Not more as in material objects. More from this life. More than just this mundane existance.

I want to party hard. Stay up all night with my friends. Run through the streets screaming at the top of my lungs. Something.

It's just so hard to believe in myself. I feel like such a poser sometimes. A second-rate version of everybody I've ever met.

But there are some people who do believe in me. And they're great people too. They believe I can do anything I set my mind to. And sometimes have to wonder... If they believe I can, why shouldn't I?

I just don't know where to start...

Do you have any idea how happy I am right now?

Do you have any idea how proud of myself I am for being happy?

I think I'm finally letting go...


And I honestly hope your holiday was as good as mine.
'Cause mine was fantastic.



(I feel like I'm cheating on blogger with tumblr...)

my newfound insomnia

Broken stream of consciousness. Sort of.

I can't seem to get comfortable
As the ghosts of my past
Harmonize with every song that plays.
They glow green in the darkness
But shine blue in the moonlight.
I can just make out the silhouette of my heart through the blinds
As it sways in the wind.
This constant rooaarrr fills every gap
With never a second of silence.
And these searching eyes only ever find peace
Behind closed lids.
But even then these swirling colors won't leave me alone.
Screams get caught in my lungs
And tears never make it past my thoughts.
With clenched fists and an inward glare
Fear makes me catch my breath
And my eyes shoot open just in time to see
The last flash of light
Before being plunged into the darkness once more
The image of you still blazing in my mind.

I can't sleep anymore. I just can't.
Every night I lie awake for hours on end,
Staring into the blackness,
Listening to melodies I've heard too many times,
Wishing for somebody to talk to.

Sometimes I think.
And sometimes I just exist.



You can't see the scars anymore but they're still a part of me.

My room is only semi-decorated
And Christmas is approaching fast.


I can almost hear those sleigh bells.

flying high, falling hard

Today was the shortest day of the year wasn't it?
I spent it with my very good Nicole-friend. In her basement. Watchin Lord of the Rings and makin bouncy balls.
We always manage to have fun; "Rider's of Rohan!" "You're ruining my life!!" ('Cause that's what she does. She's a life-ruiner.)
Only not really.

But I find myself feeling so alone sometimes. Late at night like this. Especially when I find out things that I should have predicted.

Like now. I'm talking to one of my best friends as she tells me about how this guy in our group of friends is hitting on her. Because they were at a party together on Saturday. And of course this guy also happens to be best friends with him. Which bothers me because, well, he's changed since he started hanging out with him. And I hate to see people changing to become more like someone else, and less like themselves.

When I stop to think about it, half the conversations I have with my friends involve guys in some way. And a lot of those involve a guy hitting on someone. And in all of those conversations, the someone is never me.
And it's only feeding the monster.

But sometimes I just want to look that monster in the eye and scream at the top of my lungs:

I'm beautiful, Goddamnit

I wish I could always be that confident.

Last night I stayed up late to watch the lunar eclipse.

I lurked outside twice, once at around 1:35 and again at 2:20.
But it was too cloudy, so I snuck back to bed, disappointed.

But I did learn one useful thing last night: It is very possible for me to sneak out of the house without anybody knowing.


This could come in handy.

"promises are meant to be broken"

According to a boy back in fourth grade.


They say if you still think about it, that you still care. It still bothers you.

And maybe I say things I don't mean to try to make myself feel better. Maybe I want to believe the things I say.
I wish I could believe that somehow it's not my fault. That I'm not stupid for trusting him. Because that's how it feels.
And maybe I will have trust issues because of it.
But I don't want to believe that. I want so badly to believe in love and trusting another person like that and everything that goes along with it, but right now...

I just can't.

I will again someday...

And with everything that's happened, sometimes I just feel overwhelmed... and sometimes these thoughts creep back into my mind...
I thought this was a monster I silenced long ago.
I thought I was done with this.
I promised myself I'd never go back. And I can't tell anybody because they'll just say I'm being stupid.

I'm so sick of hearing that.
I'm so sick of being called stupid and I'm so sick of being criticized for every little thing I do.

I'm clinging on to that promise I made to myself with everything I have. Sometimes it's the only thing keeping me from sinking.

But maybe that little 9 year old was right...

"i dont think we burned this many calories doing yoga..."

Oh well.

I started my day early this morning with a trip to the Y with my Redhead.
For yoga.
To center our chi (and unclench our butt muscles).

We then sat in the hot tub and proceded to the sauna afterwards. We then showered and made our way to Montana Plains.
For sticky buns and cinnamon rolls. (They were delicious.)

It was a fantastic morning.

I'm loose, relaxed, and full of fatty goodies.


And I feel great.

"You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest."


I think I'm in love with Dwayne Hoover.

The first real snow of the season started early this morning.

And now there's a blanket of white outside.





Time to break out the hot chocolate.

>>

I caught a glimpse last night of how I want my life to be in a couple of years... Of how I so hope it turns out.


I will attend a college that I'm absolutely in love with. I will study whatever I want, something creative. I will have tons of friends, and always stay close to the ones I've made here.

I will take many rigorous classes, with a couple joke ones thrown in there. I will study and work hard to get good grades. But I'll still have my free time.

I will work part-time at some place I love, like a little record store, to support myself. I will stay up late most nights, writing. Writing and writing and writing. Losing myself in it. Becoming my characters and swimming in a sea of my own words.

And I will meet a guy. And artsy guy; a musical guy. He will be the sweetest person, and very modest about his many talents. He will be tall, handsome, have dark hair and dark eyes, and he will be strong. (Maybe glasses.)

And we'll have nerf wars.

And picnics and movie marathons and beach get-aways and lazy days and warm nights sitting by a fire.

And I will be the happiest person on this planet.



I'm looking forward to it.

bzz bzzzzz

For some reason I really love it when I hear my phone vibrate, and have no idea where it is.

And sometimes I really couldn't care less.



But it's just so cold...

Winter might be my favorite season of the year.

I love snow and blankets and fires and Christmas and everything that goes along with winter.
But I'm so scared that I'll be left out of all the fun winter adventures.
Like last year.
Like every year.



And I just ran my ipod out of batteries listening to Run Kid Run.

pancakes and pine trees

This isn't the blog I was going to write.

Ever since Thursday night, I was dying to get on and type until tears streamed down my cheeks.

But it turns out I didn't need to.

I had fun Friday night. Without him.
And I had fun this morning. (Yes, police were involved.)
And I felt like I actually accomplished something, like I contributed to society in some small way.

It's a good feeling.

And on top of that, Christmas decorating has begun in my house. We even have old-school lights on our tree.
It makes me happy.

I want to scream
And I want to cry
And I want to hurl myself out my window and not care how or if I land.


All because of one tiny thing.
One tiny thing that has grown into so much.

Because of this one person.
This one person who I can't keep out of my head.

I don't know what to do. What to say or how to feel.
But that's old news.
I've been writing the same thing for over a month now.
But I can't stop.

It just keeps happening.

over and over and over and over and over and over...

Can you stop smoking your cigar?

"You look different somehow. You look... Happier."




Well I'm glad you noticed.

happiness and rainbows

My squirrelly friend sent me a list of signs of depression today.


I matched every single one.

But I know it's just a load of crap.
It's all mental, all in my head.

I decide whether or not I crash and burn.

Little things make me happy.
Like pictures of Tom Felton.
And Harry Potter.
And snow.
And The Planets series.
And hothands and playing other people's instruments and pictures of old cartoons and Halo.

And of course my friends. (Which is more of a big thing.)

Hello December!!

I am so relieved to have November behind me. It's a new month, a new day, and I'm going to make the most of it.

November was my break down month in a way.
And I'm hoping December will be my recovery month.


And it begins with a splash tonight.

And it may be a really lame metaphor, but I've realized life is a lot like a swim practice.
Sometimes, when it matters most, the person next to you will twitch, and throw you off completely.
Sometimes no matter how hard you push, you just can't make the interval.
Sometimes when you go to take a breath, a wave of water smacks you in the face.
And you and all the people in the world are just like the person you always get stuck behind in kick sets;
You make a bigger splash than you could ever realize.

just when i think im out

They pull me right back in.

I was out.
I was out!
I was moving on, putting it behind me, recovering.

But I was never really out was I?

And I don't think I ever will be.

How much more can happen? I can't imagine anything else.

But still, I can't just kick somebody out of my life. No matter what they've done, I can't abandon them.
I care too much.
About everybody.

And I don't think anybody actually realizes how much this is affecting me. I'm terrified to trust anybody like that ever again. Scared to give anyone a chance. Afraid of just getting hurt again.

And I'm scared that nobody will think the effort it will take is worth it.


Did you know that November is the break up month?


Screw you November.

And good riddance.

I'm starting to realize that I can't fix this.
I can't make things not happen; prevent the things that hurt that worst.
I can't change what happened and sometimes there's not a whole lot I can to about what's going to happen.

But I'm going to do my best to be happy.
To push through all the saddness because, well,

I WANT OUT.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

why so serious?

So raise your glass if you are wrong, in all the right ways
All my underdogs
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks.

(Lately I've been in love with P!nk and her song Raise Your Glass, as well as Katy Perry's Firework.)

So much has happened in the 45 hours or so since I've last been on.

My Redhead came over for dessert on Thursday and spent the night for early shopping the next day. That night it really hit that my family is not even a family anymore. My brother and sister are not my brother any sister. They're different people.

I miss the sister that would play games with me and take me shopping.
I miss the brother that would always play with me and help me with school and sports. The kid who taught me how to punt a ball and never gave up on me.
I miss the family we once were.

We'll still have family moments that reflect that though. But they're only moments.

Thursday, I was the only one that helped out with making dinner. All three of us used to help out. But they just don't care anymore. My sister doesn't even consider this home.

Just because we've never exactly been a tight-knit group of people doesn't mean I want nothing to do with them. They'll always be my family, and I'll always love them.


Friday morning: Woke up at 3:15. AM.
It didn't kick in that we were actually going through with it until we were in the car.
But I think it was worth it. It was the most fun I've had in ages.

Walking around the mall half asleep. Chinese food samples at 6:30. Shopping and running into people (and creepers) we know. Beatles shirts and funny ornaments that made my day. ("Jingle my bells.") Playing Mario for half an hour in the middle of the mall (and getting really into it).

Then coming home and half-crashing. Watching The Blues Brothers, and old family favorite. Explosions of laughter ensue.
And of course, more shopping: Warehouse sale, digging through boxes and saving vests from thieves.

At the end of the day, I had spent over 24 hours with the girl, and wasn't sick of her yet.
I love that feeling.

And I honestly can't wait to for school on Monday.


So if you're too school for cool
And you're treated like a fool
You can choose to let it go
We can always, we can always
Party on our own...

your holiday platitudes

I feel a little rejuvinated, now that my hair is a different color.
It's a new me, and I like it.

So what if I did it partly in spite of him?

Somehow, this is all going to turn around. All this bad is going to turn into something wonderful.
I know it.


As for the holidays, there's not much to say. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I'm thankful for all I have, and I will never again take my friends for granted.

Thank you for pulling me through this.

Happy holiday.

I traded a night and day of almost nothing but sleep for a night with virtually none.
Oh well.

I'm currently sitting here typing and reading Harry Potter with a towel on my neck, doing the best I can to not dye my skin. I'm afraid it's too late for my ears.

My time's almost up however, and I'm excited to see how it turned out, so I'll save this post and continue it in a little while.

--

Well I've got to wait for my hair to dry before I can see it, but I have a good feeling about it.


My brother got home around 3:30 this morning. Naturally, I was still awake.
And I slept in the dark last night. Willingly. Listening to the sweet sounds of complete strangers singing about my life.


You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I would give
Is everything you couldn't take
'Cause nothing feels like home;
You're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay
'Cause I know I'm good for something,
I just haven't found it yet

And I need it...

I absolutely love Mayday Parade. I adore them. There's always so much feeling behind the words.
There's not much more for me to say on the subject.

I miss the lips that made me fly...

"Let's just drive straight until there's no more road."
(It didn't take very long.)

i'm sorry

For everything.
Everything I've ever done to hurt or offend somebody.
And everything I have failed to do.

I don't know why I'm apologizing. I just feel like I should.
But it feels like I'm apologizing for being me.

And I hate that.

I spend so much time worrying about what's wrong with me. All of my major flaws. Trying to "fix" myself.
This happens in stages.
Sometimes I am fully me. Which includes flaws. And I'm ok with that. I'l happy like that. I don't want to be perfect.
But other times, what I want mixes with what everybody else wants. Who I am mixes with who everybody else is. I only see the negatives in myself.

It's happening again.
The waves are crashing over my head, the tide is washing me away.

And I can't breathe.


I'd love to say that I'll never change myself for anybody.
But you and I know that's not entirely true.

Well, I've got my tears back.
Finally.
Titanic will do that to you.


I've got a lovely scenario all planned out in my head.
I'll let you know if it ever plays out.

But I don't think I have the guts to initiate it.

let me tell you a tale

On an opening, random note, I very much like happy aquarium. It calms my nerves.


I had this dream last night. And it's got me itching for adventure and excitement. It was a great dream.

I'm not sure how exactly it started, but I remember we had new neighbors. And for some reason we had to go live with them. And their house was my house, except bigger. Oh, and he was there too. His whole family. And I wasn't allowed to leave.

Everything was happy skippy in this community house. Except it wasn't. He wouldn't talk to me. Nobody would. And I wasn't allowed to leave. (There were snowcones though.) It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I'm not sure why, but I knew I had to make a run for it.

So late at night, I approached the front door. Everybody was still up, but they were either upstairs or downstairs, doing something else. I started to open the door, and paused. Something was telling me I should let him see me leave. See what he did. See if he chased after me. Part of me wanted him to catch me.
So I waited.

I heard him come up the stairs, and when he turned the corner, our eyes locked for a second.
Then I turned and bolted out the door.

I leapt down the stairs and started sprinting across the lawn. I heard the door open and slam shut behind me. And shouting. I couldn't understand what he was shouting though. Everything was too chaotic. He was chasing after me, and I considered letting him catch me. But the thought didn't last long. I was relying on instinct; In one of those fight or flight modes, and this was the flight part. Nothing could stop me.

The street was chaos personified. There were others. Other runaways - street kids I kept calling them - just like me. Some running in packs, some in pairs. Others alone, like me.

Sounds of pursuit faded. There were too many of us. He'd never find me in this pitch black bedlam. The thought both frightened me and excited me.

I could hardly see a thing. I was running at full speed, trying not to run into those fleeing the opposite way.
Then out of nowhere, my Redhead showed up. So we fled together. A couple other people we know showed up, so we ran in a pack. Afterall, there's safety in numbers.

You could feel it in the air. The sense of urgency. We were all running from something. But we weren't all on the same side. It was terrifying.

When we got to the main road, I noticed there was a strange divet in between the pavement and the grass. People had camps set up down there. I tucked that information in the back of my mind; I knew we'd need a place to stay later.

But there were authorities. Of course there were. That's what everybody was trying to get away from. They had discovered this massive hideout, and no one wanted to get caught.

Suddenly, this drug dog ran up and tackled these two boys who were a little in front of us. We all froze, not knowing what to do. Two officers ran up and grabbed the boys. Then, the dog turned and charged at us. We stood there for a moment, terrified. We all turned and ran, but my poor Redhead friend was in the front of the group, and was the last to turn. The dog got to her, but didn't hurt her.
It did distract us though.

Next thing we knew, those two officers were right there, daring us to run some more.
And I knew one of them.

It was my confirmation class teacher! I begged her not to tell my parents. She agreed, but made me promise to never do it again. I reluctantly agreed.

She took me back home at the crack of dawn, and nobody ever knew the difference. Except him.
When he saw me, he looked relieved, worried, and a little like he didn't sleep. He also looked like he wanted to talk to me. Like he had something important to say. I gave him a look that was both scared and defiant. Asking him not to breathe a word. Letting him know I had one hell of a night.


I really can't get over this dream. I've actually been considering running away. Just for a day or two. Just to get away. I know it's a dumb idea, and it would be nothing like my dream, although it would be equally as terrifying.

But I wonder what he would think. What he would do.

He never did let me know what he wanted to say to me.

hello little star. can i ask a favor?

It feels like I didn't really get a fair chance. Me and my "small comfort zone."

I know that I'm difficult. I may not want to try new things all the time. But if you're patient, I can be swayed...

I'm just a difficult person all together. Stuck in my ways. A sheltered child. I apologize for not knowing the things you do.

I do my best to see things from the other side though.
I never want to be called ignorant.

But sometimes I think I'm the most ignorant girl in the world.

evil plots or gestures of love

I wish it hadn't come to this.


I feel like I've been torn away from him. And he just gave up.
And in return, I'm giving up.
But I don't want to.
But I'm afraid that fighting will only drive him further away.

And I talk myself in circles.


But one of my favorite people in the world did something amazing for me today. Well, indirectly for me.
I've caused some great hatred to stir in her, and this hatred is a result of love for me. It may have been a very small thing in respect to everything, but I can't get over it. And that is my happy thought to get me through everything.

I am loved.

So fuck all the rest.

And I'm scared to sleep because I'm scared to dream.

Scared to hope.

3...2...1...

Everything is normal on the surface.
And I've run out of things to say.

I'm surrounded by friends.

Yet somehow I still feel so alone.



The sky looks so welcoming today...

I don't blame you. I honestly don't blame you.

You finally realized exactly how I am, and you finally know what I've known all along.

I was never any good for you. I'm sorry.


And to all the rest who put up with annoying little me and my constant complaints, thank you.
You mean the world to me
And I am forever grateful.

let the flames begin

In some ways, for some very brief moments, the bonfire tonight was everything I hoped it'd be. But too much of it was filled with painful memories.

He didn't say one word to me all night.

He doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. I'm just an annoying little girl who can't get over this.

I like to think of it as beautifully tragic sometimes. Almost poetic. And so typical of the story books.

I wanted to scream.
I wanted to run.
I wanted to chuck my phone into the fire.
And I wanted to cry. Until my heart burst.

But it already has.


I am so selfish. I'm so sorry.
He's happy, and that's all that really matters. Right? I'll be ok sometime. I'm glad he's not hurting anymore. Please don't worry about me.

please don't let go

I don't know if I can take this much longer.

He's moved on. He's completely moved on. Forgotton everything we had. All the fun and the laughter and the love.

He's got a new group of friends. And I'm not included.

I'd like to say I have my own, but sometimes I feel like I don't.

Yes, I do have amazing friends. We have fun times and they care about me so much. But I'm not deeply set into this group. I never have been. No matter how badly I wish I was, I'm just not. They have adventures and I hear the stories later. And even if I am invited, I feel out of place. They've all known each other for so long, and they've all been close for so long. They have memories that I'm not a part of. I don't have that with anybody. Nobody has really stuck around long enough.

So this time it's me who's left in the dust, everyone else up ahead.


I just wish someone would turn around and notice.

Sometimes it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. That I'm not the only one thinking these terrible thoughts.


But I hate what we've done to ourselves.

sink me with your words, drown me with your essence

It's been a week since I've worn his clothes. A week since he's hugged me.

God, I miss his smell...


I understand that he didn't necessarily lie to me, not intentionally anyway. I understand that he probably meant all the things that he said at the time that he said them, and that things obviously changed. And I also understand that there isn't always a reason why.

I'm trying to make my peace with this, and my friends keep telling me things like "You'll find somebody better," and "Things will work out the way they're supposed to." Well I don't know about finding somebody better... We used to joke about how we were kind of perfect for each other... I wish that were still true. And I don't know how things are supposed to work out, but I know how I wish they would.

I still miss it so much. Everything. And I'm starting to realize that that's not going to go away.
Not for a long while.

I feel like this weekend never really happened.
But at the same time I feel like a completely different person.

And then I go back to feeling normal.



I'm not sure which is worse.

was it all a dream? or maybe a nightmare

I'm not sure whether to feel happy or sad.

That's what it boils down too. Earlier, I was as happy as a duck in a dirty ol' reflecting pool... But I've switched entirely to being a duck with no water and no wings.

I've had a roller coaster of a weekend.

I spent the weekend with some of the best girls I know. They lifted me up and made me be happy.

Saturday morning started off... Not well. We planned on riding the drumline bus with our many drumline friends, but ended up being bumped all the way to bus one. (He was on bus two.) After fighting for seats, we finally got going.

It did get better, and we enjoyed ourselves greatly, The Blonde, The Redhead, and I.
"Open Thanksgiving 'til... llam?" And the many other Bush comments.

Stories and mall shopping and creepers and chinese food that we can never finish.

He never once said hi.

Then, Navy Stadium.

I couldn't make myself excited like I wish I could be. I couldn't stop thinking about other things.

Until I walked through the gates. Then it became real. I got a small chill; nothing like rookie year though. And even then, I couldn't help thinking of him.

Pre-show block ritual: Fist bumps with friends. Eyes of Pride.

Performance. Disappointment. Pictures. Smiles.

Bassett's performance: better than ours. Then food adventures with stale pretzels and return to stands.

Frozen toes. Sprints around the stadium. Under tents, dodging chairs and tables.
"I think my butt is frozen together!"

He sat with his rookies and kept them warm.

We arrive at the hotel. Chaos reigns. Crashing birthday parties and stealing Mountain Dew.

Back in the room: "Imma shove this cone up your cooter!"

On the phone til 3:30. I came the closest I've ever come to actually talking with my brother. The wonderful Readhead got him to say he loves me. It made me so happy. It was a bit of a milestone, and I think she may actually get us talking. Eventually.

Waking up at 6:30. Maybe two hours of sleep. Crappy breakfast. Hair straighteners and loud music.

D.C.

Pictures and familiar trees and memorials and more pictures and dirty reflecting pools and stairs with a view and laying under a monument, realizing just how small you really are, looking up into the sky with a pathway straight up right under your feet.

If only it were real.

He spent the day with his younger female friends. His absense was all too noticeable.

On the bus ride home was when I hit my stage of pure happiness. As those around me slept and I listened to music turned up too loud, I had a normal conversation with him. Normal by our old standards. And it gave me hope that we could be best friends again.

But when we got off the buses and unloaded the truck, he hardly said a word to me. Not even a goodbye when I left.

So many mixed emotions, but I think this weekend was a great weekend overall.

So give this dirty old duck back her wings.
I'll take off and fly far far away.
I'll soar high over the pain and the hurt.

But that which goes up must come down.
Eventually.

I'm sick of being cold all the time.


And I wish I could sing.

I don't know how to put this into words.

This pain.

Sometimes they come to me, but then I lose them. Everything dissolves back into this.

I'm not sure what happened. It's all so confusing. Jumbled up in this head of mine. I think maybe it's my fault. It must be. But then again...

I don't know what to believe anymore. It's impossible to tell lies from the truth.

I'm not sure if I know how to believe anymore.

Sometimes I'll just get so angry. I'm sick of being lied to. I'm sick of not being worth the truth.


I'm almost making myself see the bright side of everything. Wasn't it Emerson that said something along the lines of "When it is dark enough, you can see that stars."? Well that's me. The thought that I try to focus on is how so many people are expressing concern for me and so many people just want me to be happy again. It's healing me. Or starting to.

I fell from up high to land safely in the arms of my friends.

I may not be ok now, but I will be eventually.

Through my friends, God will heal me.

Make it go away.

Make it all just

g
o

a
w
a
y
.
.
.

tear me open

I'm all too good at creating misery for myself. And have him not realize it.

I don't like telling people what's wrong because I don't want them to worry and I don't want them to be sad or upset for any reason. No matter how horrible I feel and how obivous it is, I will deny it to the ends of the earth.

Obviously something is terribly wrong. And yet nothing at all is. Or should be...

Just... Everything they talked about. Everything he said to her... I love them both dearly, but I just can't believe the things he said... He said she's a better kisser... He said that he picked me over her for my maturity, but that she's matured more recently and that if she had been more mature back then, that she would've won, "hands down." He even said that he wished she had matured faster. He told her I don't know how many times how attractive she is. They talked about what they missed about their relationship and how they wished they could have saved it. They talked about their first kiss... And he said he couldn't have pictured a more perfect setting... And how dumbstruck she left him.

I know that they went through a lot together, and they were each other's first just about everything. We don't have that. I can't change that. I can't make him forget it. I don't want to.

But it still hurts. It felt like somebody took a dagger and stabbed me with it, right in the stomach, and just kept on twisting...

I know he didn't mean anything by it. Or at least I hope he didn't. But maybe he did. There was a lot of wishful thinking there. Or that's how it looked to me.

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know how I should feel. I don't know what to do.

When I'm with him, everything melts away. But when I'm away from him, especially now, that dagger comes back, and it just keeps on twisting...

And I know he would never do anything intentionally to break my heart, but I don't think he realizes just how fragile it really is. Sometimes I think I need him too much. I'm pathetic...


You. You there. With the beautiful smile and adorable hair and shining brown eyes... Yeah you, the one I'm so deeply in love with... I want to be your perfect girl. I want to be everything you want and everything you deserve. I never will be, but I hope you'll take me as I am.

I want to be your everything.
Because you're already mine.

And we're just little kids. In love with our best friend.

i can be that girl

I'll fall asleep to the beating of your heart, with your arms wrapped around me. Safe and loving.

And we can drift off into our own little world, and forget anything else ever existed.

"When you have come to the edge of all the light you have

And step into the darkness of the unknown

Believe that one of the two will happen to you:

Either you'll find something solid to stand on

Or you'll be taught how to fly!"

"Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you'll see the way to fly."

"Our souldmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person.

"Listen to what you know instead of what you fear."

Richard Bach, I may not know who you are, but you come up with amazing things to say.

I don't know what to write, but I feel the need to.



Maybe I should take up piano again.

little lost child

Sometimes I take what I have for granted. My home. The food I eat. The life I have. And especially my friends. I appreciate and love them more than they could ever know, and I do realize that I have the best friends in the world.

I've had a pretty terrible week. I'm just going to be honest. Each day it's been harder and harder to get up in the morning. Practice has only made it worse. It wears me out and it seems I everyday I have to make somebody hate me... I've been falling apart but I really shouldn't complain. I have no right to. And yes, it probably is because he hasn't been with me all week, but that's beside the point.

Today was not necessarily the worst, it was just the last day of a very long, very stressful week. After practice I sat down where my stuff was piled with a few of my friend's stuff and we were just kinda sitting around. Then a few other people came over a joined us, and I was back to back with one friend, and this other girl who's pretty awesome (I plan on marrying her) came over and we were chatting and that always cheers me up. My other amazing friend who was across from me noticed the spot next to me had opened up and jumped up and leapt across the circle we had formed to sit beside me. I then took a look around the circle. I realized that every single person there loved me, and I loved them right back. And these were the people who mattered. Who cares about all those enemies I've made, as long as these people right here love me. And I just sat there, smiling like a fool because I felt so loved at that moment.

My friends are the best.

I'm not sure how I'm going to manage to get myself up in the morning tomorrow. The week may be over, but I don't even get to rest. I have the SAT to take in the morning, then a band competition after that. I don't think I have the energy.


I can't do this! I just can't! I can't do this anymore. I can't take the SAT tomorrow. I can't deal with everything. I can't stand being the bad guy all the time. I just can't take it anymore. I can't...

I realized I really have no right to complain, but this stress is just crashing down on me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to do anything without him next to me. I'm like a little lost child.

Someone needs to hold my hand and guide me through this life.

our song

But I'm afraid when I hear stories about husband and wife, there's no happy ending; no Henry Lee, but you are the greatest thing about me.

(That's Train by the way)

I get so scared when I think that we might end someday... I never want us to end. But I can't fortell the future, so I try to just be happy I have you right now.

Being away from you makes me sad and tears at me in a way that I don't completely understand. My life seems to fall apart without you next to me.

But just the thought of you can make me smile.

And I never feel too far away when I listen to our song.

We'll build a ship and sail around the world.
I'll pack a parachute that doesn't work
and you'll bring the stars that light up the night.
We'll dive head first into the swirling waters
And the storm will swell around us.
Close your eyes
And feel your moonlit heart next to mine.

With a dusty old rag we'll claim our land.
I'll bring a pen wiht no ink
And you'll bring a melody to sing.
We'll float into the star-filled sky
And the world will spin beneath us.
Close your eyes
And hear your song-filled heart beating with mine.

We'll climb the highest tree that ever was.
I'll bring an empty book
And you'll bring the story that goes inside.
We'll wring with a pen that has no ink
Then jump off with a parachute that doesn't work
And watch the ground speed towards us.
Close your eyes
And feel our burning hearts intertwined.


Something from my journal that found its way to the interwebs. It's not very good and makes little sense but I like it.

I say so much but there's always more for me to say.

And I'm sick of being under this sea. Sick of drowning and suffocating and not being able to see two inches in front of my face.

I think I'll float up here in the clouds for a while.

like rain in a disney movie

I hate being misunderstood.

Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

I hate trying to be nice and people mistaking it for being mean.

I hate caring so much I end up caring too much and driving people away.

I hate the fact that I hate so many things.

And I hate that I do it all to myself.

To a lot of people, I'm a happy person who always has something funny up her sleeve to whisk out and make everybody laugh. I'm this person because I like making people happy. I try to make people happy. As much as possible. And I like to think I succeed. But because of this, I am percieved as just a happy person. The sunshine in peoples' lives, or at least I like to think that I am. I'm not allowed to be anything other than happy and tired. If I get upset or sad, people mistake me for being hateful and heinous. But the thing is, I take care of so many people, that there's no one left to take care of me...


The worst thing you could do to me is yell at me. Tell me you love me and that you care, then the second I snap and stop being that ray of sunshine, turn around a call me a bitch. Scream at me. Explain to me that the world does not revolve around me. Get my intentions all wrong.

Nothing is coming out right. Nothing ever comes out right.

From the Sea of Sunshine and Rain,
Calli

the girl with wings

Why couldn't I have been born a bird? Maybe I was a bird in another life. Perhaps. Do you believe I could have been a bird? Do you believe in reincarnation? Do I? Hmm...

Today at band practice I found it difficult to concentrate. I found my eyes kept wandering back to the sky. It was such a beautiful blue color, and there were just the right amount of clouds. All different kinds of clouds. They looked so fluffy and inviting and calming and happy. It was another world of beauty. How I wished to be part of it. How I envy those with wings and feathers. With the ability to fly. Staring at the sky, I wanted to be part of it so badly, wanted to fly amongst the clouds so badly, that it literally hurt. I could feel a part of myself rip away from these human restrictions, and soar into the sky, weaving in and out of the clouds, only to come crashing back down and promptly rejoin the rest of my being. Upside-down of course. Now this all happened in the course of about a second or so. But it was still painful. My heart was in panic for a moment. But somehow it left a hint of a taste of what it'd be like to share the sky with the birds and the clouds. Not even a hint of a taste. Like a faded memory of a hint of a taste. If that makes sense.

Oh how I wish I could break free of all of these restrictions. The restrictions of being a girl. Of being a teenager. Of being human. Of life.

Freedom. That's what I want. Freedom. One little word that can taste so sweet.

Well now I know I'm just being silly. I am not a bird. I am a girl. I am a teenager. I am human. And I like it.

And I always say I want to do something with my life. I want to be something. Make a difference in the world. But first I have to break free. I have to break free and live my life for me. I've got to. I'll make something out of my life yet.

This has got me dreaming big and my hopes for the future continue to grow. This little girl from this little town is gonna be something big someday. I'll change the world, just you watch.

From the Sea of Feathers and Dreams,
Calli

how can I cry tears of joy and sorrow?

What's wrong with me? Why do I get these pangs of saddness when I think of you? I shouldn't even be thinking of you. There should be no pull. I should feel nothing. So why do I? How real was it? That's what I'd like to know. How real was it? For me to have secret breakdowns, and for you to feel nothing. Do you feel nothing? Is it bad that I hope you suffer just as much as I do? Because I know you don't.

Perhaps I should stop before you get the wrong idea. Will I explain? No. Did I need to get that off my chest? Yes.

Hearing tales of unrequited love and fear and life always inspire me. But not the way it used to. I'm so stupid, for many reasons. For too many reasons. One being... I miss it. In some ways I miss telling those stories. I miss living through it. Because they make for great stories, if you know what I mean. They make you into somebody. And out of all the misery comes one thing that I'm finding hard to find... Inspiration. I find my inspiration in other people's blogs. I feed off of other people's "misery" in a way. It makes no sense. I don't understand it. It's a nasty habit that I need to kick.

Why else am I stupid? Too many reasons. Another being I can't let it go. I can't forget about it. I only think about it when I'm left alone. On these nights where I break into a cold sweat. Start shaking. When I allow myself to think too much. I always think too much. Over-analyzing things. That's what got me here in the first place.

Why can't I get you out of my head? You're stuck in there. Like a tick. A tick that I can't get rid of. Slowly draining me. Growing larger and larger. Sometimes like a tumor. With friends, you are powerless. They revive me. Left with one person in particular... And you vanish. Completely invisible. Completely paralyzed. As soon as I am left alone though... You creep your way back in. I hate it. I wish I could just kill you off. Not you. The metaphoric you. The tick in my head. My brain tick. You'll go away eventually. I will not feed you anymore. I refuse to. That's my problem. I've been feeding you, so you come back for more. I allow myself to think too much, and wind up feeding you. Well I'm done. You will starve. And I shall laugh.

But how can I control my thoughts? I've never been able to. I can't do it. Maybe I'm stuck with you. I can only hope to gain immunity from it. My only hope is to stay with the person who makes you shrivel and blow away. Obviously you aren't my only reason. Don't be so arrogent. You are low on my priorities. Then why am I blogging about you? I am a hypocrite in the worst ways.

From the Sea of Ticks and Tumors,
Calli

Good Riddance

"Another turning point - A fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test and don't ask why.
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable,
But in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time.
Tatooes of memories and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable,
But in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable,
But in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life..."

Greenday said it best. This song is too amazing to not have a blog post dedicated to it.

It's the story of friends. Of life. The story of my life. And of yours. The story of everybody's life. We're all figuring it out and we all have our battles. Our memories and our futures. I hope we don't regret a thing.

From the Sea of Life,
Calli

what can I say?

Come, fly away with me. Into the night. Towards the brightest star in the sky we'll fly. That one. That one right there. Away from this crazy mixed up world. Away from all the madness. The hatred. We'll find our own secret place where no one can find us. All our problems will melt away. Because we'll have each other. And that's all we'll ever need. Come, let us escape reality, and float into a dream...

Wow, where did the summer go? I wish it had lasted longer. It seems like it's only just begun. I may not have had all of the adventures I dreamed of, and finding myself may have proven to be difficult, but I did find something over this summer. Or someone. Yeah I know, I'm being mushy and sappy, but that's what I feel like writing about.

It's hard to believe it's been almost two months. Two months tomorrow. It flew by. But in some ways, it feels like so much longer. Everything is so different. My fear of being alone has intensified. It's weird because I know I'm not alone. I know that. But I've never needed someone so much... (I am not my own, for I have been made new. Please don't let me go. I desperately need you.) [Owl City, Meteor Shower] I feel like such a dork for this, but I'm all about confessions in this blog entry.

I'm a little kid on the inside. Most people get that. I will always see the world with the innocence of a five-year-old. Were it up to me, everybody would be the same way. I never thought I'd find somebody else like that. Somebody who is just as much as a little kid as I am. And then you came along. I'm going to stop before I start sounding like a bad, worn-out love song. I've said before that I don't like not being with you. And it's true. That goes with my being alone thing. Another confession: I'm a very jealous person. I get insanely jealous. I say nothing though, because I don't want to be that girl that makes you abandon the rest of your life for her. No. I'm not like that. I keep it to myself and let it go.

You like to say "I love you more," and I used to not argue. I used to think in my head, "Yeah you probably do." You liked me a long time before I liked you. You figured out that we work before I did. Me? I was too stubborn. But now when you say it I think "No, you don't. You couldn't." But I'll still let you win because it makes you happy. I make you happy. And that's all I could ever ask for.

My favorite part? The part where we're both just little kids. The part where we have fun together. The part where we trust each other fully. But that last part also scares me. You know the most about me. More than anybody else. You honestly know me the best. I love it. Yet I hate it. It makes me feel vulnerable. I hate that feeling. And yet I know it's alright. Everything's alright. Sometimes I don't understand it though. Why you would like me and want to hang out with me. Why anybody would. But I suppose I'll never figure that out, so I'll just let it be one of those unsolved mysteries in life and be happy about it. I am happy about it. Extremely.

As the summer comes to a close, I look back and I'm satisfied with it. And I know it's just the beginning. And now I wonder what the year holds in store for me. For us. What the future holds.

[I feel like I've barely written anything. And I feel like I haven't said what I wanted to say. Hopefully it will come out though. In between the lines somewhere. Hopefully you understand everything I mean. Everything I say. Everything I think. Everything I feel.]

So like I said, let's fly away together. Away from this life. Away from this world. A world full of people who don't know what beauty is. Who have never stared at the night sky. Who have never looked into a person's eyes and seen the world in them. A perfect world. Who don't know the meaning of the word love. But then again, maybe we should stay. Stay and make our peace with the world. Teach them what we know.

Because I have one last confession for you: I'm falling in love.
With life.
With God.
And I'm falling in love with you.

From the Sea of Nonsensical Romance,
Calli

"come back here! I'll bite your legs off!!"

Determination

Will get you far in life... Unless you're an idiot who just doesn't know when to stop. (Like our friend, the Black Knight.) But don't give up. Ever.

From the Sea of Colleges and Boredom,
Calli

venting

I'm so pissed off right now. And I don't know why. That's a lie, but oh well. It's like being pissed off but somehow in a good way.

I feel so restricted right now. Chained up to a wall; a prisoner of my thoughts. Something broke loose inside of me today. I don't know what or why, but everything is different now. I don't feel the same. I crave freedom. I need it. If I don't get it, I'll go insane. I'm shaking right now. I need to break free. I'm going to break free, somehow. Chop my hair off. Dye it purple. Jump off a bridge even though my mother told me I'm not allowed to. Run away for a day and drive to the beach with friends. Sneak out. Rebel.

I'll make something out of myself. And I'll do something with my life. It all goes by so fast, in a blur, like a speeding train. And when I look back on it all, I don't want to regret a thing.

I know I sound like a stupid teenager who is simply rebelling against her parents, but I don't feel that way.

From the Sea of Chains and Rebellion,
Calli

what is your favorite color?

"Blue... No, yellow! AHHH!!" Ohh Monty Python. As you can tell, I like to quote and reference things.

Anyway... Could you tell me what your favorite color is? What about your favorite song? Favorite food? Favorite word? Favorite person? How about favorite person to talk to? To hang out with? To think about? Favorite memory? Favorite thought to think?

I know I couldn't answer all of those.

That may or may not have anything to do with knowing oneself. But it bothers me. I complain about that too much. But do we ever really know everything about ourselves? Of course not. There's too much to know. So many subconcious things. So many little things. So many big things. But you know, we can try. How? By not trying. By living. I've realized that if you get too hung up on trying to figure out things about yourself, you're going to miss out on a lot. The best thing to do is live life and along the way you will find yourself while having fun. That is my plan for this summer.

Anyway, on to a different subject (sort of) since I cannot remember what else I was going to write...

I went to church today for the first time in a few weeks and honestly, I almost cried. The readings and homily were really good. My religion class teacher, MaryBeth, read a reading and I find it very ironic because she read at least my first blog post and agreed with my gender being a disguise thing. This is ironic because the reading she read went a little like this: "There is neither slave, nor freeman, nor male, nor female: We are all the same for we are all Children of God." (That is not a direct quote, therefore, I cannot reference it.) I totally one hundred percent completely agree (that wasn't necessary but oh well). God help all those who are shunned and discriminated against. "God help the outcast." (that's Esmerelda, Hunch Back Of Notre Dame) Then Father Rush started talking about when humans were first created, and how God had three angels review his "designs," the Angel of Truth, the Angel of Peace, and the Angel of Love. The Angel of Truth begged God not to create humans because they would be capable of lying and deciet and trickery, and said that there was no need for these creatures. The Angel of Peace begged God not to create humans because they would disrupt the harmony of His universe with their devious, twisted, and hateful ways, and said that there was no need for these creatures. The Angel of Love begged God to create these humans because (while they would have their faults) they would be capable of love. And filled with His love, they would spread love throughout the universe. There was great need for these creatures. And so we were created. In His likeness. To love and be loved. So spread the love, please. There is no need fo hate and dishonesty and all the bad things about humans. Some may disagree but whatever. You are entitled to your own opinion. I waver back and forth on the subject of humanity. I never know what to think of it. Most of the time, I'm very disappointed in the human race, for too many reasons. But it's things like that that give me hope for humanity. Maybe there is hope for this world after all. We'll see. And maybe I am making a difference, even if it is a small one. Who knows. So on that note, I leave you for the night. (I promise to try to post more often. I know I need it more for my mental health.)

From the Sea of Hopelessness and Hopefulness,
Calli

aim high but shoot low

I'm not sure exactly what that's supposed to mean... Shh... Just roll with it.

So this is just a short little blurb about nothing just to waste time... Well my brother graduated from high school the other day. It's very depressing for many reasons, but I'll get into that later. He doesn't know it, but I love him very much, and I'm very proud of him (even though we don't speak...).

While my summer is still in question, I believe I am going to have an awesome year. With marching band anyway. So many of my friends are doing it, and I'm anticipating some great times (long bus rides [: )

In other news, I am lost. Yeah, I know. From happy to sad. I'm just being random... But I've spent way too much time trying to be like other people that I've lost myself along the way. This summer, I'm determined to find myself again (even if that means jumping off a few bridges) and stay with myself, no matter where myself goes. I'll probably start ranting about this more tomorrow, when I have the will and the energy and the time. But right now, I am tired from my swim meet and wish to rest and gather my thoughts.

From the Sea of the Unknown and Tired,
Calli

how long have I been in this storm?

So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form... Water's getting harder to tread with these waves crashing over my head.

I love Lifehouse. That's their song Storm, by the way. I found it appropriate.

I'm out of thoughts to think. I'm sixteen, and I'm out of thoughts to think. Old ones keep replaying over and over in my head. Somebody please save me from this endless cycle.

I'm not sure what's wrong. I'm not sure if anything is wrong. But I'll talk about it anyway. Some of my friends have the life I've always wanted. One where you're surrounded by friends. And these friends aren't just people you hang out with; they're close. Really close. I watch them have fun, I hear the stories. Secretly, I want to be part of it. More than anything. Sometimes they include me, but never outside of school. I have to organize things outside of school. Maybe I'm working my way in. Maybe I'll be accepted into the group. Maybe I'll have an amazing summer. Maybe, just maybe... In a way though, it seems pathetic. I feel pathetic. Maybe they just feel sorry for me. I don't know. But I have to be optimistic. Someday, I'll have the life I've always wanted. Someday...

From the Sea of Monotony and Loneliness,
Calli

you know that feeling of emptiness you get when you're missing something?

Yeah, I've got one at the moment.

So let me introduce myself; I am Calli. I am not special. I am the all singing, all dancing crap of the world. Or is that just a quote from fight club? Oh well. Actually, I believe that we are all special because we are all different; unique in some small way (or big way). We are special because God made us that way. Obviously I am Christian. I'm actually Catholic (but I'm a hippie). I'm very engrossed in my faith, more inwardly than outwardly though. I am not, however, "one of those people" who think that gay people go to hell. You cannot convince me that my God would condemn somebody for loving a person. If you take out all the complications, all the ifs and buts, that's all it is. Somebody loving another person. Regardless of gender. Gender sometimes disguises us... Let's see if I can explain. Think about your best friend. If they were the opposite gender of you, would you like them? Would you go out with them? Possibly fall in love with them? I bet you would. But why don't you? Because it has been planted in your head that it is wrong. Me, I'm straight. But I think gays are very brave. And you cannot make me believe that my God would send them to hell just for falling in love. No matter what the Bible says (I know, blasphemy right? forgive me, please).
But I digress.
I live in a small town in the suburbs of a small city. I love people, yet I hate them at the same time. I listen to what I like to call alternative rock. What does that mean? I'm not sure. I like different things. I think you never really know a person until you look through their ipod, so here's just a sample of some of the artists I have: All Time Low, Anberlin, Hey Monday, We The Kings, Every Avenue, Michael Jackson, Bon Jovi, The Summer Set, Artist vs Poet, The Friday Night Boys, My Chemical Romance, The Bigger Lights. And that's just off the top of my head. I love music. Without it, I'm not sure where I would be. I like to write, but I write random things that aren't very good and don't always make sense. I also like to rant and listen to other people rant. Ranting sessions are good. I think I'm talking about myself a little too much.
But that empty feeling? It's coming from many things, many unknown sources. But the thing that sent it over the top was the loss of my swim team. I've been a member of this pool for as long as I can remember, and eight years ago I began swimming on its swim team. All those years were so amazing, packed with so many memories, some good, some bad. That place was like a second home to me. No matter how much I hated going to practice, I miss it now. Our pool closed. And now I'm swimming at a different pool, and it's just not the same. I know it's not that big of a deal, but it was more than just a swim team to me. I could actually cry about it.
Today was our last day of school, so summer has begun. And as summer begins, so does my blog. I did that on purpose. Hopefully I'll continue this into the year though. Everybody always says that their summer was the best summer ever, but if you look back, the summers all seem dull and boring. I know all of mine are painfully average. I hope that this one is different, but with my swim team gone, I fear it will be just as disappointing as all the rest. I want to have one of those summers that you hear about, where every day is amazing and the nights are filled with fun and laughter and friends. I want to spend a month or two at the beach. I want to meet a boy and go for long walks by the ocean with him and fall in love only for the summer. Oh and bonfires too. One of those summers.
I think I've written enough, although I feel as though I've barely written anything. I think I'm forgetting something... Something important. Oh well, I'll remember it later and hit myself in the head for it. One last thing I want to talk about a little is the title of my blog. I wasn't sure at first why I named it Musings From Under The Sea. But as soon as I typed it in, I knew it was the right name. It just felt right. So then I thought about why. Well I guess I am under a sea of some sort. What sort of sea? Well it could be a sea of anything and everything. Today I suppose its the Sea of Emptiness and Mystery. We're all at the bottom of our own seas. But we're not alone. We just need to look around and take comfort in each other. Just think about all I've said today.

From the Sea of Emptiness and Mystery,
Calli