tear me open

I'm all too good at creating misery for myself. And have him not realize it.

I don't like telling people what's wrong because I don't want them to worry and I don't want them to be sad or upset for any reason. No matter how horrible I feel and how obivous it is, I will deny it to the ends of the earth.

Obviously something is terribly wrong. And yet nothing at all is. Or should be...

Just... Everything they talked about. Everything he said to her... I love them both dearly, but I just can't believe the things he said... He said she's a better kisser... He said that he picked me over her for my maturity, but that she's matured more recently and that if she had been more mature back then, that she would've won, "hands down." He even said that he wished she had matured faster. He told her I don't know how many times how attractive she is. They talked about what they missed about their relationship and how they wished they could have saved it. They talked about their first kiss... And he said he couldn't have pictured a more perfect setting... And how dumbstruck she left him.

I know that they went through a lot together, and they were each other's first just about everything. We don't have that. I can't change that. I can't make him forget it. I don't want to.

But it still hurts. It felt like somebody took a dagger and stabbed me with it, right in the stomach, and just kept on twisting...

I know he didn't mean anything by it. Or at least I hope he didn't. But maybe he did. There was a lot of wishful thinking there. Or that's how it looked to me.

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know how I should feel. I don't know what to do.

When I'm with him, everything melts away. But when I'm away from him, especially now, that dagger comes back, and it just keeps on twisting...

And I know he would never do anything intentionally to break my heart, but I don't think he realizes just how fragile it really is. Sometimes I think I need him too much. I'm pathetic...


You. You there. With the beautiful smile and adorable hair and shining brown eyes... Yeah you, the one I'm so deeply in love with... I want to be your perfect girl. I want to be everything you want and everything you deserve. I never will be, but I hope you'll take me as I am.

I want to be your everything.
Because you're already mine.

And we're just little kids. In love with our best friend.

i can be that girl

I'll fall asleep to the beating of your heart, with your arms wrapped around me. Safe and loving.

And we can drift off into our own little world, and forget anything else ever existed.

"When you have come to the edge of all the light you have

And step into the darkness of the unknown

Believe that one of the two will happen to you:

Either you'll find something solid to stand on

Or you'll be taught how to fly!"

"Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you'll see the way to fly."

"Our souldmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person.

"Listen to what you know instead of what you fear."

Richard Bach, I may not know who you are, but you come up with amazing things to say.

I don't know what to write, but I feel the need to.



Maybe I should take up piano again.

little lost child

Sometimes I take what I have for granted. My home. The food I eat. The life I have. And especially my friends. I appreciate and love them more than they could ever know, and I do realize that I have the best friends in the world.

I've had a pretty terrible week. I'm just going to be honest. Each day it's been harder and harder to get up in the morning. Practice has only made it worse. It wears me out and it seems I everyday I have to make somebody hate me... I've been falling apart but I really shouldn't complain. I have no right to. And yes, it probably is because he hasn't been with me all week, but that's beside the point.

Today was not necessarily the worst, it was just the last day of a very long, very stressful week. After practice I sat down where my stuff was piled with a few of my friend's stuff and we were just kinda sitting around. Then a few other people came over a joined us, and I was back to back with one friend, and this other girl who's pretty awesome (I plan on marrying her) came over and we were chatting and that always cheers me up. My other amazing friend who was across from me noticed the spot next to me had opened up and jumped up and leapt across the circle we had formed to sit beside me. I then took a look around the circle. I realized that every single person there loved me, and I loved them right back. And these were the people who mattered. Who cares about all those enemies I've made, as long as these people right here love me. And I just sat there, smiling like a fool because I felt so loved at that moment.

My friends are the best.

I'm not sure how I'm going to manage to get myself up in the morning tomorrow. The week may be over, but I don't even get to rest. I have the SAT to take in the morning, then a band competition after that. I don't think I have the energy.


I can't do this! I just can't! I can't do this anymore. I can't take the SAT tomorrow. I can't deal with everything. I can't stand being the bad guy all the time. I just can't take it anymore. I can't...

I realized I really have no right to complain, but this stress is just crashing down on me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to do anything without him next to me. I'm like a little lost child.

Someone needs to hold my hand and guide me through this life.

our song

But I'm afraid when I hear stories about husband and wife, there's no happy ending; no Henry Lee, but you are the greatest thing about me.

(That's Train by the way)

I get so scared when I think that we might end someday... I never want us to end. But I can't fortell the future, so I try to just be happy I have you right now.

Being away from you makes me sad and tears at me in a way that I don't completely understand. My life seems to fall apart without you next to me.

But just the thought of you can make me smile.

And I never feel too far away when I listen to our song.

We'll build a ship and sail around the world.
I'll pack a parachute that doesn't work
and you'll bring the stars that light up the night.
We'll dive head first into the swirling waters
And the storm will swell around us.
Close your eyes
And feel your moonlit heart next to mine.

With a dusty old rag we'll claim our land.
I'll bring a pen wiht no ink
And you'll bring a melody to sing.
We'll float into the star-filled sky
And the world will spin beneath us.
Close your eyes
And hear your song-filled heart beating with mine.

We'll climb the highest tree that ever was.
I'll bring an empty book
And you'll bring the story that goes inside.
We'll wring with a pen that has no ink
Then jump off with a parachute that doesn't work
And watch the ground speed towards us.
Close your eyes
And feel our burning hearts intertwined.


Something from my journal that found its way to the interwebs. It's not very good and makes little sense but I like it.

I say so much but there's always more for me to say.

And I'm sick of being under this sea. Sick of drowning and suffocating and not being able to see two inches in front of my face.

I think I'll float up here in the clouds for a while.

like rain in a disney movie

I hate being misunderstood.

Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

I hate trying to be nice and people mistaking it for being mean.

I hate caring so much I end up caring too much and driving people away.

I hate the fact that I hate so many things.

And I hate that I do it all to myself.

To a lot of people, I'm a happy person who always has something funny up her sleeve to whisk out and make everybody laugh. I'm this person because I like making people happy. I try to make people happy. As much as possible. And I like to think I succeed. But because of this, I am percieved as just a happy person. The sunshine in peoples' lives, or at least I like to think that I am. I'm not allowed to be anything other than happy and tired. If I get upset or sad, people mistake me for being hateful and heinous. But the thing is, I take care of so many people, that there's no one left to take care of me...


The worst thing you could do to me is yell at me. Tell me you love me and that you care, then the second I snap and stop being that ray of sunshine, turn around a call me a bitch. Scream at me. Explain to me that the world does not revolve around me. Get my intentions all wrong.

Nothing is coming out right. Nothing ever comes out right.

From the Sea of Sunshine and Rain,
Calli