just when i think im out

They pull me right back in.

I was out.
I was out!
I was moving on, putting it behind me, recovering.

But I was never really out was I?

And I don't think I ever will be.

How much more can happen? I can't imagine anything else.

But still, I can't just kick somebody out of my life. No matter what they've done, I can't abandon them.
I care too much.
About everybody.

And I don't think anybody actually realizes how much this is affecting me. I'm terrified to trust anybody like that ever again. Scared to give anyone a chance. Afraid of just getting hurt again.

And I'm scared that nobody will think the effort it will take is worth it.


Did you know that November is the break up month?


Screw you November.

And good riddance.

I'm starting to realize that I can't fix this.
I can't make things not happen; prevent the things that hurt that worst.
I can't change what happened and sometimes there's not a whole lot I can to about what's going to happen.

But I'm going to do my best to be happy.
To push through all the saddness because, well,

I WANT OUT.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK.

why so serious?

So raise your glass if you are wrong, in all the right ways
All my underdogs
We will never be never be anything but loud
And nitty gritty, dirty little freaks.

(Lately I've been in love with P!nk and her song Raise Your Glass, as well as Katy Perry's Firework.)

So much has happened in the 45 hours or so since I've last been on.

My Redhead came over for dessert on Thursday and spent the night for early shopping the next day. That night it really hit that my family is not even a family anymore. My brother and sister are not my brother any sister. They're different people.

I miss the sister that would play games with me and take me shopping.
I miss the brother that would always play with me and help me with school and sports. The kid who taught me how to punt a ball and never gave up on me.
I miss the family we once were.

We'll still have family moments that reflect that though. But they're only moments.

Thursday, I was the only one that helped out with making dinner. All three of us used to help out. But they just don't care anymore. My sister doesn't even consider this home.

Just because we've never exactly been a tight-knit group of people doesn't mean I want nothing to do with them. They'll always be my family, and I'll always love them.


Friday morning: Woke up at 3:15. AM.
It didn't kick in that we were actually going through with it until we were in the car.
But I think it was worth it. It was the most fun I've had in ages.

Walking around the mall half asleep. Chinese food samples at 6:30. Shopping and running into people (and creepers) we know. Beatles shirts and funny ornaments that made my day. ("Jingle my bells.") Playing Mario for half an hour in the middle of the mall (and getting really into it).

Then coming home and half-crashing. Watching The Blues Brothers, and old family favorite. Explosions of laughter ensue.
And of course, more shopping: Warehouse sale, digging through boxes and saving vests from thieves.

At the end of the day, I had spent over 24 hours with the girl, and wasn't sick of her yet.
I love that feeling.

And I honestly can't wait to for school on Monday.


So if you're too school for cool
And you're treated like a fool
You can choose to let it go
We can always, we can always
Party on our own...

your holiday platitudes

I feel a little rejuvinated, now that my hair is a different color.
It's a new me, and I like it.

So what if I did it partly in spite of him?

Somehow, this is all going to turn around. All this bad is going to turn into something wonderful.
I know it.


As for the holidays, there's not much to say. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I'm thankful for all I have, and I will never again take my friends for granted.

Thank you for pulling me through this.

Happy holiday.

I traded a night and day of almost nothing but sleep for a night with virtually none.
Oh well.

I'm currently sitting here typing and reading Harry Potter with a towel on my neck, doing the best I can to not dye my skin. I'm afraid it's too late for my ears.

My time's almost up however, and I'm excited to see how it turned out, so I'll save this post and continue it in a little while.

--

Well I've got to wait for my hair to dry before I can see it, but I have a good feeling about it.


My brother got home around 3:30 this morning. Naturally, I was still awake.
And I slept in the dark last night. Willingly. Listening to the sweet sounds of complete strangers singing about my life.


You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I would give
Is everything you couldn't take
'Cause nothing feels like home;
You're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay
'Cause I know I'm good for something,
I just haven't found it yet

And I need it...

I absolutely love Mayday Parade. I adore them. There's always so much feeling behind the words.
There's not much more for me to say on the subject.

I miss the lips that made me fly...

"Let's just drive straight until there's no more road."
(It didn't take very long.)

i'm sorry

For everything.
Everything I've ever done to hurt or offend somebody.
And everything I have failed to do.

I don't know why I'm apologizing. I just feel like I should.
But it feels like I'm apologizing for being me.

And I hate that.

I spend so much time worrying about what's wrong with me. All of my major flaws. Trying to "fix" myself.
This happens in stages.
Sometimes I am fully me. Which includes flaws. And I'm ok with that. I'l happy like that. I don't want to be perfect.
But other times, what I want mixes with what everybody else wants. Who I am mixes with who everybody else is. I only see the negatives in myself.

It's happening again.
The waves are crashing over my head, the tide is washing me away.

And I can't breathe.


I'd love to say that I'll never change myself for anybody.
But you and I know that's not entirely true.

Well, I've got my tears back.
Finally.
Titanic will do that to you.


I've got a lovely scenario all planned out in my head.
I'll let you know if it ever plays out.

But I don't think I have the guts to initiate it.

let me tell you a tale

On an opening, random note, I very much like happy aquarium. It calms my nerves.


I had this dream last night. And it's got me itching for adventure and excitement. It was a great dream.

I'm not sure how exactly it started, but I remember we had new neighbors. And for some reason we had to go live with them. And their house was my house, except bigger. Oh, and he was there too. His whole family. And I wasn't allowed to leave.

Everything was happy skippy in this community house. Except it wasn't. He wouldn't talk to me. Nobody would. And I wasn't allowed to leave. (There were snowcones though.) It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. I'm not sure why, but I knew I had to make a run for it.

So late at night, I approached the front door. Everybody was still up, but they were either upstairs or downstairs, doing something else. I started to open the door, and paused. Something was telling me I should let him see me leave. See what he did. See if he chased after me. Part of me wanted him to catch me.
So I waited.

I heard him come up the stairs, and when he turned the corner, our eyes locked for a second.
Then I turned and bolted out the door.

I leapt down the stairs and started sprinting across the lawn. I heard the door open and slam shut behind me. And shouting. I couldn't understand what he was shouting though. Everything was too chaotic. He was chasing after me, and I considered letting him catch me. But the thought didn't last long. I was relying on instinct; In one of those fight or flight modes, and this was the flight part. Nothing could stop me.

The street was chaos personified. There were others. Other runaways - street kids I kept calling them - just like me. Some running in packs, some in pairs. Others alone, like me.

Sounds of pursuit faded. There were too many of us. He'd never find me in this pitch black bedlam. The thought both frightened me and excited me.

I could hardly see a thing. I was running at full speed, trying not to run into those fleeing the opposite way.
Then out of nowhere, my Redhead showed up. So we fled together. A couple other people we know showed up, so we ran in a pack. Afterall, there's safety in numbers.

You could feel it in the air. The sense of urgency. We were all running from something. But we weren't all on the same side. It was terrifying.

When we got to the main road, I noticed there was a strange divet in between the pavement and the grass. People had camps set up down there. I tucked that information in the back of my mind; I knew we'd need a place to stay later.

But there were authorities. Of course there were. That's what everybody was trying to get away from. They had discovered this massive hideout, and no one wanted to get caught.

Suddenly, this drug dog ran up and tackled these two boys who were a little in front of us. We all froze, not knowing what to do. Two officers ran up and grabbed the boys. Then, the dog turned and charged at us. We stood there for a moment, terrified. We all turned and ran, but my poor Redhead friend was in the front of the group, and was the last to turn. The dog got to her, but didn't hurt her.
It did distract us though.

Next thing we knew, those two officers were right there, daring us to run some more.
And I knew one of them.

It was my confirmation class teacher! I begged her not to tell my parents. She agreed, but made me promise to never do it again. I reluctantly agreed.

She took me back home at the crack of dawn, and nobody ever knew the difference. Except him.
When he saw me, he looked relieved, worried, and a little like he didn't sleep. He also looked like he wanted to talk to me. Like he had something important to say. I gave him a look that was both scared and defiant. Asking him not to breathe a word. Letting him know I had one hell of a night.


I really can't get over this dream. I've actually been considering running away. Just for a day or two. Just to get away. I know it's a dumb idea, and it would be nothing like my dream, although it would be equally as terrifying.

But I wonder what he would think. What he would do.

He never did let me know what he wanted to say to me.

hello little star. can i ask a favor?

It feels like I didn't really get a fair chance. Me and my "small comfort zone."

I know that I'm difficult. I may not want to try new things all the time. But if you're patient, I can be swayed...

I'm just a difficult person all together. Stuck in my ways. A sheltered child. I apologize for not knowing the things you do.

I do my best to see things from the other side though.
I never want to be called ignorant.

But sometimes I think I'm the most ignorant girl in the world.

evil plots or gestures of love

I wish it hadn't come to this.


I feel like I've been torn away from him. And he just gave up.
And in return, I'm giving up.
But I don't want to.
But I'm afraid that fighting will only drive him further away.

And I talk myself in circles.


But one of my favorite people in the world did something amazing for me today. Well, indirectly for me.
I've caused some great hatred to stir in her, and this hatred is a result of love for me. It may have been a very small thing in respect to everything, but I can't get over it. And that is my happy thought to get me through everything.

I am loved.

So fuck all the rest.

And I'm scared to sleep because I'm scared to dream.

Scared to hope.

3...2...1...

Everything is normal on the surface.
And I've run out of things to say.

I'm surrounded by friends.

Yet somehow I still feel so alone.



The sky looks so welcoming today...

I don't blame you. I honestly don't blame you.

You finally realized exactly how I am, and you finally know what I've known all along.

I was never any good for you. I'm sorry.


And to all the rest who put up with annoying little me and my constant complaints, thank you.
You mean the world to me
And I am forever grateful.

let the flames begin

In some ways, for some very brief moments, the bonfire tonight was everything I hoped it'd be. But too much of it was filled with painful memories.

He didn't say one word to me all night.

He doesn't want to hang out with me anymore. I'm just an annoying little girl who can't get over this.

I like to think of it as beautifully tragic sometimes. Almost poetic. And so typical of the story books.

I wanted to scream.
I wanted to run.
I wanted to chuck my phone into the fire.
And I wanted to cry. Until my heart burst.

But it already has.


I am so selfish. I'm so sorry.
He's happy, and that's all that really matters. Right? I'll be ok sometime. I'm glad he's not hurting anymore. Please don't worry about me.

please don't let go

I don't know if I can take this much longer.

He's moved on. He's completely moved on. Forgotton everything we had. All the fun and the laughter and the love.

He's got a new group of friends. And I'm not included.

I'd like to say I have my own, but sometimes I feel like I don't.

Yes, I do have amazing friends. We have fun times and they care about me so much. But I'm not deeply set into this group. I never have been. No matter how badly I wish I was, I'm just not. They have adventures and I hear the stories later. And even if I am invited, I feel out of place. They've all known each other for so long, and they've all been close for so long. They have memories that I'm not a part of. I don't have that with anybody. Nobody has really stuck around long enough.

So this time it's me who's left in the dust, everyone else up ahead.


I just wish someone would turn around and notice.

Sometimes it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. That I'm not the only one thinking these terrible thoughts.


But I hate what we've done to ourselves.

sink me with your words, drown me with your essence

It's been a week since I've worn his clothes. A week since he's hugged me.

God, I miss his smell...


I understand that he didn't necessarily lie to me, not intentionally anyway. I understand that he probably meant all the things that he said at the time that he said them, and that things obviously changed. And I also understand that there isn't always a reason why.

I'm trying to make my peace with this, and my friends keep telling me things like "You'll find somebody better," and "Things will work out the way they're supposed to." Well I don't know about finding somebody better... We used to joke about how we were kind of perfect for each other... I wish that were still true. And I don't know how things are supposed to work out, but I know how I wish they would.

I still miss it so much. Everything. And I'm starting to realize that that's not going to go away.
Not for a long while.

I feel like this weekend never really happened.
But at the same time I feel like a completely different person.

And then I go back to feeling normal.



I'm not sure which is worse.

was it all a dream? or maybe a nightmare

I'm not sure whether to feel happy or sad.

That's what it boils down too. Earlier, I was as happy as a duck in a dirty ol' reflecting pool... But I've switched entirely to being a duck with no water and no wings.

I've had a roller coaster of a weekend.

I spent the weekend with some of the best girls I know. They lifted me up and made me be happy.

Saturday morning started off... Not well. We planned on riding the drumline bus with our many drumline friends, but ended up being bumped all the way to bus one. (He was on bus two.) After fighting for seats, we finally got going.

It did get better, and we enjoyed ourselves greatly, The Blonde, The Redhead, and I.
"Open Thanksgiving 'til... llam?" And the many other Bush comments.

Stories and mall shopping and creepers and chinese food that we can never finish.

He never once said hi.

Then, Navy Stadium.

I couldn't make myself excited like I wish I could be. I couldn't stop thinking about other things.

Until I walked through the gates. Then it became real. I got a small chill; nothing like rookie year though. And even then, I couldn't help thinking of him.

Pre-show block ritual: Fist bumps with friends. Eyes of Pride.

Performance. Disappointment. Pictures. Smiles.

Bassett's performance: better than ours. Then food adventures with stale pretzels and return to stands.

Frozen toes. Sprints around the stadium. Under tents, dodging chairs and tables.
"I think my butt is frozen together!"

He sat with his rookies and kept them warm.

We arrive at the hotel. Chaos reigns. Crashing birthday parties and stealing Mountain Dew.

Back in the room: "Imma shove this cone up your cooter!"

On the phone til 3:30. I came the closest I've ever come to actually talking with my brother. The wonderful Readhead got him to say he loves me. It made me so happy. It was a bit of a milestone, and I think she may actually get us talking. Eventually.

Waking up at 6:30. Maybe two hours of sleep. Crappy breakfast. Hair straighteners and loud music.

D.C.

Pictures and familiar trees and memorials and more pictures and dirty reflecting pools and stairs with a view and laying under a monument, realizing just how small you really are, looking up into the sky with a pathway straight up right under your feet.

If only it were real.

He spent the day with his younger female friends. His absense was all too noticeable.

On the bus ride home was when I hit my stage of pure happiness. As those around me slept and I listened to music turned up too loud, I had a normal conversation with him. Normal by our old standards. And it gave me hope that we could be best friends again.

But when we got off the buses and unloaded the truck, he hardly said a word to me. Not even a goodbye when I left.

So many mixed emotions, but I think this weekend was a great weekend overall.

So give this dirty old duck back her wings.
I'll take off and fly far far away.
I'll soar high over the pain and the hurt.

But that which goes up must come down.
Eventually.

I'm sick of being cold all the time.


And I wish I could sing.

I don't know how to put this into words.

This pain.

Sometimes they come to me, but then I lose them. Everything dissolves back into this.

I'm not sure what happened. It's all so confusing. Jumbled up in this head of mine. I think maybe it's my fault. It must be. But then again...

I don't know what to believe anymore. It's impossible to tell lies from the truth.

I'm not sure if I know how to believe anymore.

Sometimes I'll just get so angry. I'm sick of being lied to. I'm sick of not being worth the truth.


I'm almost making myself see the bright side of everything. Wasn't it Emerson that said something along the lines of "When it is dark enough, you can see that stars."? Well that's me. The thought that I try to focus on is how so many people are expressing concern for me and so many people just want me to be happy again. It's healing me. Or starting to.

I fell from up high to land safely in the arms of my friends.

I may not be ok now, but I will be eventually.

Through my friends, God will heal me.

Make it go away.

Make it all just

g
o

a
w
a
y
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