I feel like I've lost everything I've built up for myself. And sometimes I wonder if this blog is a waste of time. Mine and yours. I've lost the seriousness. The... deepness. The importance and the epiphanies. I don't know. I just don't know. I'm an emotional wreck. I always have been. They're flying around like those stupid little monkies from the Wizard of Oz. Words don't even look like words anymore. I don't know what I'm saying or why I'm saying it or what any of it means. I'm on autopilot. I think. Maybe I am. I can't tell. I need something stable to hold me up. Something strong. For some reason my mind can't focus enough to stop this tornado it has going and lean back on my usual Rock. And it doesn't help that my friends get happy endings. Where's mine? I feel so selfish just saying that to the 9 people who might read this... A lightbulb went out in my room a while ago. I can't help but thinking that's symbolic or something. Everything's just a shade darker now. And a little out of focus. I almost crashed my car the other day on the way home from a movie. On purpose. It scared the shit out of me when I realized what I was doing, and the rest of the way home I sat rigidly straight with a deathgrip on the steering wheel. These Christmas decorations need to come down. That time is long gone and they're way overdue for their 11-month period of isolation in the dark lonely attic above my room. And I'm so sick of being too hot or too cold all the freaking time. Blanket on: too hot; wake up drenched in sweat. Blanket off: too cold: wake up shivering. Jacket/no jacket; Socks/no socks. Make up your freaking mind. I just need to get out.

Give me a compass and I'm gone.
And maybe some warmer weather...



Stupid bloody Tuesday.

Being with my friends is honestly my most favorite thing in the world. No matter what we're doing or where we are. More than anything else, I love being with those few people who actually get me. The ones who care and remind me that I'm worth something. I seriously cherish every moment I have with them.


Yoga mornings with my Redhead and Blonde make me especially happy.

let's toast to the night

I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to do for the new year until about twelve hours ago. I was debating whether or not I should go to the same old party and be bored the whole time like every year when I was invited last-minute to a small get-together with people I don't normally hang out with very much. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I decided it could be fun.

Boy was I right.

It's weird how so so so much can happen in such a small ammount of time. I learned a lot of things about a lot of people tonight, and I realized I may have judged more than one person a little too soon. It all started with a bit of drama. Then we all realized we had secrets that were just dying to get out, and so we spilled. We spilled everything about everything. In a way, I guess we were trying to clense ourselves for the new year. I have to admit, it did feel really good getting some stuff off my chest. But some of the stuff I found out was upsetting, and I'm still trying to process it...


At midnight, noise-makers were blown, a toast was made, and fireworks were lit.
We all stormed outside and annouced to the neighborhood that 2011 was officially here. And as I skipped down the street, arm in arm with some genuinely great people, blowing my noise-maker as loud as I could, I thought about all of the shit I'll have to deal with come morning; come Monday. And I litterally just threw it all aside. I left it on the side of the road, and never looked back.

Of course they followed me home, but for a little while, I was free. Completely free. Free from all the things that have been worrying me and upsetting me for the past two months; Free from all the new crap I'd have to sort out. Free.

Part of me just doesn't want tomorrow to come.
Because tonight was great. Utterly fantastic.
And I don't want to ruin a great start to a new year.

And even though most of them will never read this, I want to genuinely thank everyone who was there tonight. Thank you for being there; Thank you for making tonight so unbelievably awesome. You made everything worthwhile.


So here's to a new year,
A new decade,

And a new beginning.