new years resolution?

Be happy.

won't you please please help me?

I'm seriously bored out of my mind right now. I haven't hung out with anybody in a week. I haven't left the house to do anything besides go to swim practice in days. I waste my life away in front of this computer.

Now don't get me wrong, I love tumblr. But I want to go out and do something. Whenever I try to make plans, people are always doing something else. Nobody seems to want to hang out. People are always busy, and dates seem to get pushed back until they end up never happening.

I hate how whiney and complaining I sound right now.

Sometimes I dream big. I imagine myself getting out of this small town and making it in the world. Making a difference. But then sometimes I wonder, what's the use? What can I do?

And sometimes I really wish I had some honest-to-goodness talent. Something that I'm really good at. But half the time I'm too scared to even try.

But even then, I can't help but wanting more. Not more as in material objects. More from this life. More than just this mundane existance.

I want to party hard. Stay up all night with my friends. Run through the streets screaming at the top of my lungs. Something.

It's just so hard to believe in myself. I feel like such a poser sometimes. A second-rate version of everybody I've ever met.

But there are some people who do believe in me. And they're great people too. They believe I can do anything I set my mind to. And sometimes have to wonder... If they believe I can, why shouldn't I?

I just don't know where to start...

Do you have any idea how happy I am right now?

Do you have any idea how proud of myself I am for being happy?

I think I'm finally letting go...


And I honestly hope your holiday was as good as mine.
'Cause mine was fantastic.



(I feel like I'm cheating on blogger with tumblr...)

my newfound insomnia

Broken stream of consciousness. Sort of.

I can't seem to get comfortable
As the ghosts of my past
Harmonize with every song that plays.
They glow green in the darkness
But shine blue in the moonlight.
I can just make out the silhouette of my heart through the blinds
As it sways in the wind.
This constant rooaarrr fills every gap
With never a second of silence.
And these searching eyes only ever find peace
Behind closed lids.
But even then these swirling colors won't leave me alone.
Screams get caught in my lungs
And tears never make it past my thoughts.
With clenched fists and an inward glare
Fear makes me catch my breath
And my eyes shoot open just in time to see
The last flash of light
Before being plunged into the darkness once more
The image of you still blazing in my mind.

I can't sleep anymore. I just can't.
Every night I lie awake for hours on end,
Staring into the blackness,
Listening to melodies I've heard too many times,
Wishing for somebody to talk to.

Sometimes I think.
And sometimes I just exist.



You can't see the scars anymore but they're still a part of me.

My room is only semi-decorated
And Christmas is approaching fast.


I can almost hear those sleigh bells.

flying high, falling hard

Today was the shortest day of the year wasn't it?
I spent it with my very good Nicole-friend. In her basement. Watchin Lord of the Rings and makin bouncy balls.
We always manage to have fun; "Rider's of Rohan!" "You're ruining my life!!" ('Cause that's what she does. She's a life-ruiner.)
Only not really.

But I find myself feeling so alone sometimes. Late at night like this. Especially when I find out things that I should have predicted.

Like now. I'm talking to one of my best friends as she tells me about how this guy in our group of friends is hitting on her. Because they were at a party together on Saturday. And of course this guy also happens to be best friends with him. Which bothers me because, well, he's changed since he started hanging out with him. And I hate to see people changing to become more like someone else, and less like themselves.

When I stop to think about it, half the conversations I have with my friends involve guys in some way. And a lot of those involve a guy hitting on someone. And in all of those conversations, the someone is never me.
And it's only feeding the monster.

But sometimes I just want to look that monster in the eye and scream at the top of my lungs:

I'm beautiful, Goddamnit

I wish I could always be that confident.

Last night I stayed up late to watch the lunar eclipse.

I lurked outside twice, once at around 1:35 and again at 2:20.
But it was too cloudy, so I snuck back to bed, disappointed.

But I did learn one useful thing last night: It is very possible for me to sneak out of the house without anybody knowing.


This could come in handy.

"promises are meant to be broken"

According to a boy back in fourth grade.


They say if you still think about it, that you still care. It still bothers you.

And maybe I say things I don't mean to try to make myself feel better. Maybe I want to believe the things I say.
I wish I could believe that somehow it's not my fault. That I'm not stupid for trusting him. Because that's how it feels.
And maybe I will have trust issues because of it.
But I don't want to believe that. I want so badly to believe in love and trusting another person like that and everything that goes along with it, but right now...

I just can't.

I will again someday...

And with everything that's happened, sometimes I just feel overwhelmed... and sometimes these thoughts creep back into my mind...
I thought this was a monster I silenced long ago.
I thought I was done with this.
I promised myself I'd never go back. And I can't tell anybody because they'll just say I'm being stupid.

I'm so sick of hearing that.
I'm so sick of being called stupid and I'm so sick of being criticized for every little thing I do.

I'm clinging on to that promise I made to myself with everything I have. Sometimes it's the only thing keeping me from sinking.

But maybe that little 9 year old was right...

"i dont think we burned this many calories doing yoga..."

Oh well.

I started my day early this morning with a trip to the Y with my Redhead.
For yoga.
To center our chi (and unclench our butt muscles).

We then sat in the hot tub and proceded to the sauna afterwards. We then showered and made our way to Montana Plains.
For sticky buns and cinnamon rolls. (They were delicious.)

It was a fantastic morning.

I'm loose, relaxed, and full of fatty goodies.


And I feel great.

"You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest."


I think I'm in love with Dwayne Hoover.

The first real snow of the season started early this morning.

And now there's a blanket of white outside.





Time to break out the hot chocolate.

>>

I caught a glimpse last night of how I want my life to be in a couple of years... Of how I so hope it turns out.


I will attend a college that I'm absolutely in love with. I will study whatever I want, something creative. I will have tons of friends, and always stay close to the ones I've made here.

I will take many rigorous classes, with a couple joke ones thrown in there. I will study and work hard to get good grades. But I'll still have my free time.

I will work part-time at some place I love, like a little record store, to support myself. I will stay up late most nights, writing. Writing and writing and writing. Losing myself in it. Becoming my characters and swimming in a sea of my own words.

And I will meet a guy. And artsy guy; a musical guy. He will be the sweetest person, and very modest about his many talents. He will be tall, handsome, have dark hair and dark eyes, and he will be strong. (Maybe glasses.)

And we'll have nerf wars.

And picnics and movie marathons and beach get-aways and lazy days and warm nights sitting by a fire.

And I will be the happiest person on this planet.



I'm looking forward to it.

bzz bzzzzz

For some reason I really love it when I hear my phone vibrate, and have no idea where it is.

And sometimes I really couldn't care less.



But it's just so cold...

Winter might be my favorite season of the year.

I love snow and blankets and fires and Christmas and everything that goes along with winter.
But I'm so scared that I'll be left out of all the fun winter adventures.
Like last year.
Like every year.



And I just ran my ipod out of batteries listening to Run Kid Run.

pancakes and pine trees

This isn't the blog I was going to write.

Ever since Thursday night, I was dying to get on and type until tears streamed down my cheeks.

But it turns out I didn't need to.

I had fun Friday night. Without him.
And I had fun this morning. (Yes, police were involved.)
And I felt like I actually accomplished something, like I contributed to society in some small way.

It's a good feeling.

And on top of that, Christmas decorating has begun in my house. We even have old-school lights on our tree.
It makes me happy.

I want to scream
And I want to cry
And I want to hurl myself out my window and not care how or if I land.


All because of one tiny thing.
One tiny thing that has grown into so much.

Because of this one person.
This one person who I can't keep out of my head.

I don't know what to do. What to say or how to feel.
But that's old news.
I've been writing the same thing for over a month now.
But I can't stop.

It just keeps happening.

over and over and over and over and over and over...

Can you stop smoking your cigar?

"You look different somehow. You look... Happier."




Well I'm glad you noticed.

happiness and rainbows

My squirrelly friend sent me a list of signs of depression today.


I matched every single one.

But I know it's just a load of crap.
It's all mental, all in my head.

I decide whether or not I crash and burn.

Little things make me happy.
Like pictures of Tom Felton.
And Harry Potter.
And snow.
And The Planets series.
And hothands and playing other people's instruments and pictures of old cartoons and Halo.

And of course my friends. (Which is more of a big thing.)

Hello December!!

I am so relieved to have November behind me. It's a new month, a new day, and I'm going to make the most of it.

November was my break down month in a way.
And I'm hoping December will be my recovery month.


And it begins with a splash tonight.

And it may be a really lame metaphor, but I've realized life is a lot like a swim practice.
Sometimes, when it matters most, the person next to you will twitch, and throw you off completely.
Sometimes no matter how hard you push, you just can't make the interval.
Sometimes when you go to take a breath, a wave of water smacks you in the face.
And you and all the people in the world are just like the person you always get stuck behind in kick sets;
You make a bigger splash than you could ever realize.