I feel like I've lost everything I've built up for myself. And sometimes I wonder if this blog is a waste of time. Mine and yours. I've lost the seriousness. The... deepness. The importance and the epiphanies. I don't know. I just don't know. I'm an emotional wreck. I always have been. They're flying around like those stupid little monkies from the Wizard of Oz. Words don't even look like words anymore. I don't know what I'm saying or why I'm saying it or what any of it means. I'm on autopilot. I think. Maybe I am. I can't tell. I need something stable to hold me up. Something strong. For some reason my mind can't focus enough to stop this tornado it has going and lean back on my usual Rock. And it doesn't help that my friends get happy endings. Where's mine? I feel so selfish just saying that to the 9 people who might read this... A lightbulb went out in my room a while ago. I can't help but thinking that's symbolic or something. Everything's just a shade darker now. And a little out of focus. I almost crashed my car the other day on the way home from a movie. On purpose. It scared the shit out of me when I realized what I was doing, and the rest of the way home I sat rigidly straight with a deathgrip on the steering wheel. These Christmas decorations need to come down. That time is long gone and they're way overdue for their 11-month period of isolation in the dark lonely attic above my room. And I'm so sick of being too hot or too cold all the freaking time. Blanket on: too hot; wake up drenched in sweat. Blanket off: too cold: wake up shivering. Jacket/no jacket; Socks/no socks. Make up your freaking mind. I just need to get out.

Give me a compass and I'm gone.
And maybe some warmer weather...



Stupid bloody Tuesday.