tear me open

I'm all too good at creating misery for myself. And have him not realize it.

I don't like telling people what's wrong because I don't want them to worry and I don't want them to be sad or upset for any reason. No matter how horrible I feel and how obivous it is, I will deny it to the ends of the earth.

Obviously something is terribly wrong. And yet nothing at all is. Or should be...

Just... Everything they talked about. Everything he said to her... I love them both dearly, but I just can't believe the things he said... He said she's a better kisser... He said that he picked me over her for my maturity, but that she's matured more recently and that if she had been more mature back then, that she would've won, "hands down." He even said that he wished she had matured faster. He told her I don't know how many times how attractive she is. They talked about what they missed about their relationship and how they wished they could have saved it. They talked about their first kiss... And he said he couldn't have pictured a more perfect setting... And how dumbstruck she left him.

I know that they went through a lot together, and they were each other's first just about everything. We don't have that. I can't change that. I can't make him forget it. I don't want to.

But it still hurts. It felt like somebody took a dagger and stabbed me with it, right in the stomach, and just kept on twisting...

I know he didn't mean anything by it. Or at least I hope he didn't. But maybe he did. There was a lot of wishful thinking there. Or that's how it looked to me.

I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know how I should feel. I don't know what to do.

When I'm with him, everything melts away. But when I'm away from him, especially now, that dagger comes back, and it just keeps on twisting...

And I know he would never do anything intentionally to break my heart, but I don't think he realizes just how fragile it really is. Sometimes I think I need him too much. I'm pathetic...


You. You there. With the beautiful smile and adorable hair and shining brown eyes... Yeah you, the one I'm so deeply in love with... I want to be your perfect girl. I want to be everything you want and everything you deserve. I never will be, but I hope you'll take me as I am.

I want to be your everything.
Because you're already mine.