"promises are meant to be broken"

According to a boy back in fourth grade.


They say if you still think about it, that you still care. It still bothers you.

And maybe I say things I don't mean to try to make myself feel better. Maybe I want to believe the things I say.
I wish I could believe that somehow it's not my fault. That I'm not stupid for trusting him. Because that's how it feels.
And maybe I will have trust issues because of it.
But I don't want to believe that. I want so badly to believe in love and trusting another person like that and everything that goes along with it, but right now...

I just can't.

I will again someday...

And with everything that's happened, sometimes I just feel overwhelmed... and sometimes these thoughts creep back into my mind...
I thought this was a monster I silenced long ago.
I thought I was done with this.
I promised myself I'd never go back. And I can't tell anybody because they'll just say I'm being stupid.

I'm so sick of hearing that.
I'm so sick of being called stupid and I'm so sick of being criticized for every little thing I do.

I'm clinging on to that promise I made to myself with everything I have. Sometimes it's the only thing keeping me from sinking.

But maybe that little 9 year old was right...